Divealanche News

A Letter From David Aebischer to the Hockey Fans Of Denver

2006-11-16T15:39:00.000-05:00

Denver HEY! How does now the thick and biggy size bag of Wendy's?

Well, hahahahaha and FONDUE!

I hope all is you happy with now and my dumping gived me last we speaked in Denver. Now I turn around and too enjoy dumpage! On your heads, HAHAAA!

Looky here aand see this. PTOOOEY! Now whose boss? Many nights spent worryin' and wonderin' what becomed of career. Once I rosed above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond disillusion. But if I claims to be a wise man. Surely, it means dat I dunno. So I comed at Montreal. PTOOEY! Oh, but yah, nice goaltennin' dere. HOLEY MOLEY!

Go hell to you, Avalanche ladies and mens. Enyoy yer mindernetter, Mister Smarmy. Yoyyoyoy, what a man full with holes! I rarely have time shooting at one of which to choosing, rilly. PTOOOEY!

Sincereally, Cendy

Jose Hoses Hose

2006-11-16T12:42:00.000-05:00

Fans of Terry Frei (there are six of them, and four are named "Frei" and one is Terry himself) know that Hose Theodore is a great goalie. If you don't believe it, read Frei's article "Theodore Wasn't A Bad Acquisition," or another Frei article, "Theodore Is Great. Really." More clutch insights can be gleaned from Frei articles like, "Theodore Continues To Be Not That Bad," and another one, "I Am Terry Frei And I Know Everything And Theodore Is Great So Shut Up." While you're looking these up, another great article to check out is "Everyone Who Doesn't Agree With Me, Terry Frei, Should Leave The Playground Or I Will Scream."

Hose got smoked again last night by San Hose, who peppered our Hose with nearly eleven shots, four of which he was helpless to stop. A full recap of the game can be found in today's Terry Frei article, "I Can't Hear You I Can't Hear You I Can't Hear You."

"The effort was there," Joe Sakic said afterward in his trademark commanding mumble. "We keep playing like that, we're going to get rewarded. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a bowl of milk and a piece of Wonder bread toast with The Captain's name on it. Step aside or, uh, gosh... I dunno."

Hose's Fire Sale Continues

2006-11-09T12:10:00.000-05:00

The Pepsi Center shook with boos as Hose Theodore gave up goal after goal to the LA Kings last night. The Kings beat the Dives 6-5, but if there'd been another hour in the game it could've been 68-6.

Denver International Airport reported long delays last night, as players from around the NHL hurridly flew to Denver in hopes of bargain hunting at Hose's Red Light Special. Meanwhile, recreational hockey leagues around Denver reported numerous forfietures as players flocked to the Pepsi Center in hopes of lighting one against a pro.

Even the spastic gentleman who delights Pepsi Center audiences with his nightly seizures to the tune of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" got in on the action, chalking up his first career hat trick.

"Avalanche: The Musical" Opens In Denver

2006-10-25T11:20:00.000-05:00

The Pepsi Center may not sell out like it used to. But the same can't be said of the Denver Civic Center, where thousands showed up last night to catch the opening of Avalanche: The Musical, a theater production based on the career of the Quebec Nordiques. The show will be running until February 5th (the day after the final NFL game, when Avalanche fans are expected to return to the Pepsi Center again.) Tickets are available at thee Civic Center Box Office and through Ticketmaster.

Of course, Divealanche.com was at the show (we know some people), and we were able to get a few exclusive photos...

Christmas Arrives Early In Montreal

2006-10-22T08:53:00.000-05:00

Anyone who gazed across the sky last night could see a red glow emanating from the area of Montreal, where David "Candy" Aebischer and Jose Theodore did battle to determine who is the worst netminder. Unfortunately for Avsmonkey, Theodore emerged victorious, getting lit eight times and sending one goal official to a local hospital complaining of carpal tunnel in his button thumb. When the game was over, Theodore (pictured right) was placed in a stand outside the Bell Centre, where Quebec's children decorated him with shiny bulbs and placed presents around his trunk.

For his part, Candy let in five goals, but that was sufficient to outlast his big-money Turtletown replacement. What a stud Candy must feel like this week, sending both Floppa and Hosie out for coffee like he's Harvey Kietel and they are two temp agency key grips.

Of course, Denver's media saw a silver lining on the cloud of smoke rising from the bulbless light socket behind Theodore's net.

"Usually," explained Marc Moser, "when a goalie gets rolled this badly in Montreal, he eventually ends up in an Avalanche uniform."

Moser's cohost then informed him that Theodore already plays for the Avalanche.

"Well, you see?" said Moser, nodding.

Have You Tried Firing Your Coach Yet?

2006-10-20T14:11:00.000-05:00

According to NHL.com, Calgary fans are getting a little itchy waiting for Alex Tanguay to "ignite."

Waiting for Tanguay to "ignite"? Avsmonkey also waited for Tanguay to ignite. For seven years.

Sorry, Flamesfan, but you may want to direct your firestarting hopes toward materials more prone to combustion. Like, say, a plastic cup of pudding. And in the end, which would you rather end up with, a cup of pudding or Alex Tanguay? Hands down, you're gonna take that pudding. Pudding rocks!

Maybe his jersey retirement ceremony at the Pepsi Center will perk Tanguay up a bit.

Colorado Sellout Streak Ends

2006-10-18T14:57:00.000-05:00

As our readers point out...

Dear Divealanche,

After losing Roy, Forsberg, Tanguay, Blake and Foote in the reckless mismanagement of the Avalanche front office, the frontrunning fans of Turtletown have lost their only means of smack talk.

Now Dives fans can't even say that they have the longest sellout streak in all of hockey - one which was only in existence thanks to the cheating tactics of Lizzy Lacroix, the largest corporate season ticket base in the NHL and being spoiled for ten years - is over. Yes, the fast, exciting Chicago Blackhawks could not even draw 18,007 Bronco fans out to the Pepsi Centre.

The divemobile has gotten so light it doesn't need to be weighed at the truckstop anymore.

-- Cam in BC

It's true. The sellout streak ended Monday. But, honestly, can you really blame the fans for losing interest? During the Chicago game, they showed some poor suckers walking through the Pepsi Center gift shop. One of the guys had a Forsberg jersey on. Another was wearing Hinote. What jersey do you buy for your Avsmonkey kid these days that won't be meaningless by next July? I'm guessing Fleury isn't a big seller these days.

I would get one that says "Winger" on the back, so that chicks everywhere would know I was f*cking awesome.

Quiz Time

2006-10-17T13:09:00.000-05:00

When Martin LaPointe statistically outperforms the Denver Bronco's offense, it could be interpreted as a sign that...

A) the world is ending.

B) Mankind's very existence has become a parody of itself.

C) there ain't gonna be no parade in Denver anytime soon.

D) we need The Sheriff!

Jose and the Pussycats

2006-10-15T10:24:00.000-05:00

We've long stated that Pierre "Lizzy" Lacroix was the most overrated GM in professional sports, certainly in hockey. Lizzy's hilariously bloated reputation was established by being at the right place at the right time when petulant Patrick Roy threw his second biggest temper tantrum (that bedroom door wasn't quite as lucky as Lizzy.) Since then, Lizzy's trades were mostly abominable, the showcase being the Drurymorris debacle, which was so bad even slobbering apple polishers like Peter McNab and Robohomer Haynes still smart over it. There may be people out there who think Drurymorris was a good thing. There are also people who think Terri Schiavo was smiling at that balloon. And we were the first, of course, to call that one.

Now we're wondering if Lizzy might have topped himself with Jose Theodore. Could Lizzy's final gift to Turtletown turn out to be the biggest dump he ever laid in Colorado's corn flakes?

Screw all the excuses you read and hear from the Media Homers. Since becoming a Turnip, Theodore has let in a whole lot of goals, folks. Last year in the playoffs he gave up 16 in four games. But to read the Denver Post not a single one was his fault.

Last night at the Pepsi Center was a tale of two goalies. Dwayne Roloson once again demonstrated how a great netminder can steal one for his team, facing 1,873 shots and letting in 3. At the other end, Theodore... well. Remember the line in It's A Wonderful Life, "Look daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings" ? Substitute "Oiler" for "angel" and "goal" for "wings."

Other notes:

Props to Andrew Brunette for his splendid dive with two minutes left, flawless but for the fact that it didn't draw a chirp. But in the words of Floppa, "If you ain't flying, you ain't trying!"

Ian Laperriere is beginning to irritate us. We'll revisit this sometime...

Candy Rolls Floppa Like A Mento

2006-10-12T20:40:00.000-05:00

The entire Philadelphia locker room was under suicide watch today after getting snot-kicked by David "Candy" Aebischer and losing 3-1 to the Montreal Canadiens.

Galivanting puckhog Floppa welcomed his former teammate Candy to Philadelphia by becoming invisible. For Aebischer's part, not only was he seeing beach balls, he was able to actually stop them.

"This is really frustrating, getting bitched," Flyers coach Ken Hitchcock said.

Avs Win. None Care.

2006-10-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

A collection of faceless, NHL journeyman jobbers wearing blue and maroon jerseys and calling themselves "Colorado Avalanche" defeated the Vancouver Canucks 3-2 last night before a crowd of bored Bronco fans at the Pepsi Center.

After allowing Vancouver the first goal, the guys that Kroenke Sports Inc. has hired to call themselves the Avalanche scored three goals to win the game, eliciting respectful claps from the stands. The largest applause, however, was reserved for Jake Plummer of the Bronco's, who appeared between the second and third periods, driving a Zamboni.

Wearing an Arizona State football jersey, Plummer piloted the Zamboni around and around the Pepsi Center ice, middle finger waving at the stands as fans gave him a standing ovation. At one point Plummer produced a bull horn and spoke to the fans as he drove, saying things like, "You're not that great!" and "Go Canucks!"

The celebration was marred when Plummer collided with a second Zamboni that had appeared on the ice. The quarterback leapt from his Zamboni and kicked the front of the other vehicle. Plummer then got back into his Zamboni, put it in reverse and hit the front of the other vehicle causing minor damage. Plummer then fled the scene. He was later served an Englewood Municipal Summons for intent to "injure or destroy property," and agreed to a plea deal earlier this morning.

Or One Could Go To Morton's

2006-10-08T22:11:00.000-05:00

Adrian Dater in today's Post:

"If one had a dollar for every time Joel Quenneville changed up his lines last season, he or she could go to a swanky establishment for a nice steak dinner with all the trimmings."

Okay.

On the downside, if one had, say, only a quarter for every time Joel Quenneville changed up his lines last season, he or she or it would be stuck at a normal establishment for a crappy steak dinner with few of the trimmings.

If I had a dollar, I'd bet it on Adrian Dater to write something dopey. I'd make the same bet the next day, too, and roll the shit over, and within a week I could afford enough drugs to kill the headache I get whenever I read the fucking Denver Post.

Welcome, Avsmonkey!

2006-10-08T10:04:00.000-05:00

This year, Divealanche.com will be posting news articles, photos and editorials here, on Divealanche News. All of the stuff that used to be posted on the "News" page at the main site will now be posted here.

Other stuff (player profiles, guest articles, Masturdater's Male Bag, past garbage, etc.) will still be posted on the main site.

If you are a writer for Aftonbladet and are having trouble getting your head around this, send us an email and we'll draw you a diagram.