Denver HEY! How does now the thick and biggy size bag of Wendy's?

Well, hahahahaha and FONDUE!

I hope all is you happy with now and my dumping gived me last we speaked in Denver. Now I turn around and too enjoy dumpage! On your heads, HAHAAA!

Looky here aand see this. PTOOOEY! Now whose boss? Many nights spent worryin' and wonderin' what becomed of career. Once I rosed above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond disillusion. But if I claims to be a wise man. Surely, it means dat I dunno. So I comed at Montreal. PTOOEY! Oh, but yah, nice goaltennin' dere. HOLEY MOLEY!

Go hell to you, Avalanche ladies and mens. Enyoy yer mindernetter, Mister Smarmy. Yoyyoyoy, what a man full with holes! I rarely have time shooting at one of which to choosing, rilly. PTOOOEY!

Sincereally, Cendy

Fans of Terry Frei (there are six of them, and four are named "Frei" and one is Terry himself) know that Hose Theodore is a great goalie. If you don't believe it, read Frei's article "Theodore Wasn't A Bad Acquisition," or another Frei article, "Theodore Is Great. Really." More clutch insights can be gleaned from Frei articles like, "Theodore Continues To Be Not That Bad," and another one, "I Am Terry Frei And I Know Everything And Theodore Is Great So Shut Up." While you're looking these up, another great article to check out is "Everyone Who Doesn't Agree With Me, Terry Frei, Should Leave The Playground Or I Will Scream."

Hose got smoked again last night by San Hose, who peppered our Hose with nearly eleven shots, four of which he was helpless to stop. A full recap of the game can be found in today's Terry Frei article, "I Can't Hear You I Can't Hear You I Can't Hear You."

"The effort was there," Joe Sakic said afterward in his trademark commanding mumble. "We keep playing like that, we're going to get rewarded. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a bowl of milk and a piece of Wonder bread toast with The Captain's name on it. Step aside or, uh, gosh... I dunno."

The Pepsi Center shook with boos as Hose Theodore gave up goal after goal to the LA Kings last night. The Kings beat the Dives 6-5, but if there'd been another hour in the game it could've been 68-6.

Denver International Airport reported long delays last night, as players from around the NHL hurridly flew to Denver in hopes of bargain hunting at Hose's Red Light Special. Meanwhile, recreational hockey leagues around Denver reported numerous forfietures as players flocked to the Pepsi Center in hopes of lighting one against a pro.

Even the spastic gentleman who delights Pepsi Center audiences with his nightly seizures to the tune of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" got in on the action, chalking up his first career hat trick.

The Pepsi Center may not sell out like it used to. But the same can't be said of the Denver Civic Center, where thousands showed up last night to catch the opening of Avalanche: The Musical, a theater production based on the career of the Quebec Nordiques. The show will be running until February 5th (the day after the final NFL game, when Avalanche fans are expected to return to the Pepsi Center again.) Tickets are available at thee Civic Center Box Office and through Ticketmaster.

Of course, Divealanche.com was at the show (we know some people), and we were able to get a few exclusive photos...

Anyone who gazed across the sky last night could see a red glow emanating from the area of Montreal, where David "Candy" Aebischer and Jose Theodore did battle to determine who is the worst netminder. Unfortunately for Avsmonkey, Theodore emerged victorious, getting lit eight times and sending one goal official to a local hospital complaining of carpal tunnel in his button thumb. When the game was over, Theodore (pictured right) was placed in a stand outside the Bell Centre, where Quebec's children decorated him with shiny bulbs and placed presents around his trunk.

For his part, Candy let in five goals, but that was sufficient to outlast his big-money Turtletown replacement. What a stud Candy must feel like this week, sending both Floppa and Hosie out for coffee like he's Harvey Kietel and they are two temp agency key grips.

Of course, Denver's media saw a silver lining on the cloud of smoke rising from the bulbless light socket behind Theodore's net.

"Usually," explained Marc Moser, "when a goalie gets rolled this badly in Montreal, he eventually ends up in an Avalanche uniform."

Moser's cohost then informed him that Theodore already plays for the Avalanche.

"Well, you see?" said Moser, nodding.

According to NHL.com, Calgary fans are getting a little itchy waiting for Alex Tanguay to "ignite."

Waiting for Tanguay to "ignite"? Avsmonkey also waited for Tanguay to ignite. For seven years.

Sorry, Flamesfan, but you may want to direct your firestarting hopes toward materials more prone to combustion. Like, say, a plastic cup of pudding. And in the end, which would you rather end up with, a cup of pudding or Alex Tanguay? Hands down, you're gonna take that pudding. Pudding rocks!

Maybe his jersey retirement ceremony at the Pepsi Center will perk Tanguay up a bit.

As our readers point out...

Dear Divealanche,

After losing Roy, Forsberg, Tanguay, Blake and Foote in the reckless mismanagement of the Avalanche front office, the frontrunning fans of Turtletown have lost their only means of smack talk.

Now Dives fans can't even say that they have the longest sellout streak in all of hockey - one which was only in existence thanks to the cheating tactics of Lizzy Lacroix, the largest corporate season ticket base in the NHL and being spoiled for ten years - is over. Yes, the fast, exciting Chicago Blackhawks could not even draw 18,007 Bronco fans out to the Pepsi Centre.

The divemobile has gotten so light it doesn't need to be weighed at the truckstop anymore.

-- Cam in BC

It's true. The sellout streak ended Monday. But, honestly, can you really blame the fans for losing interest? During the Chicago game, they showed some poor suckers walking through the Pepsi Center gift shop. One of the guys had a Forsberg jersey on. Another was wearing Hinote. What jersey do you buy for your Avsmonkey kid these days that won't be meaningless by next July? I'm guessing Fleury isn't a big seller these days.

I would get one that says "Winger" on the back, so that chicks everywhere would know I was f*cking awesome.

When Martin LaPointe statistically outperforms the Denver Bronco's offense, it could be interpreted as a sign that...

A) the world is ending.

B) Mankind's very existence has become a parody of itself.

C) there ain't gonna be no parade in Denver anytime soon.

D) we need The Sheriff!